Hello.
I am currently back with my parents because I am still feeling cruddy and I am safer here, that and they cook me meals and that sort of thing.
Yesterday though I had an appointment with my psychologist, T. I mentioned the not taking pill things but rather deliberately avoided mentioning the whole A and E visit thing. He nodded and we moved on, simple as.
T asked how I would like to be different after therapy, which I thought/think is a failr open question. I came up with
- Wanting to feel as though I am worthwhile
- And that I have something positive to contribute.
- That my friendships will not feel lop-sided or that my friends are more like counsellors.
- That I will not spend any length of time thinking about suicide or self-harm.
- Coming to terms with having the illness.
All these things lead to me be happier. Being happier means
- Reading more
- Going out to gigs
- Spending more time with friends
- A black cat called Alaska
- Being content with with my work either studying or a job.
- Not having debt.
See my big brick wall of being well sane is failing my degree. The one friend I know in real life who has bipolar, or rather the one I knew before she had bipolar, has a degree. She basically had a crazy-assed weekend and was admitted to hospital, got a diagnosis of bipolar and then spent a year out of uni getting well. She is now living and working in London with a degree in law from a prestigous university. So my real life framework for having bipolar is 1 get ill, 2 get better, 3, be outrageously successful and talented. But my real life experience does not match up to this not even close.
I know I rather go on about this but to hell it is my blog, I am now in my third third year and I am managing miserably. I am beginning to wonder if I am cut out for the whole pharmacy thing and I am gradually coming round to the whole idea of it not being the right thing for me. I am going to keep trying though.
The coming to terms with having the illness thing is something that after this past week I have pretty much managed. I hate that I have it, I hate it vehemently. But it is the best framework for describing the way in which I have come short of being normal.
A friend, the first friend I was seeing day in day out who knows about my diagnosis, told me that he thought I was pretty well adjusted. I’d like to drop the pretty.
s
3 responses so far ↓
thestatethatiamin // December 5, 2008 at 11:15 am |
Get rested and well fed. Maybe some space to gather your thoughts will be helpful too.
Sounds like your answers to T were formed from clarity of thought. From what I know of you and read on your blogs, I can genuinely say that the answer to questions 1-3 are already “yes”. I don’t read your blogs to be nosey or as some dutiful counsellor – I’m not equipped and, know too little of bi-polar. I read them because I am interested. I may not comment that often, because I don’t want to make trite, meaningless, sound-bites. That doesn’t mean that I don’t check in regularly or pray…
It is your blog. Use it as you need to. You write well and honestly and I think you have a real support group of bloggers regularly looking out for eachother – so keep doing that – Hope is important.
Peace.
B.
Hannah // December 5, 2008 at 9:55 pm |
Do you still enjoy pharmacy? If you still enjoy it, then you should stick at it. Plus you’ve got the first two years of your degree over at least. For what you’ve been through, I think you’re doing really well and you do seem well adjusted.
phil64 // December 5, 2008 at 11:10 pm |
Coming to terms with the illness is tough. Family members have shown no compassion towards me. Some people have told me that everyone has depression and I wake up tomorrow and snap out of it. Not only do we have to come to terms with it, but our family and friends must as well.